Klarion Saves The World
by a-really-angry-sorceress
Summary: And he's really not happy about it. This isn't his job. Where are the heroes? What happened to them? ...oh yeah, he did. Meet the Inventor of Pouts and Petulance, his sarcastic cat Teekl, and a whole host of annoying side characters (at least in Klarion's opinion) in this topsy turvy brand of Chaos. Rated T for gore, and probably my filthy mouth somewhere along the line.
1. Klarion Saves The World

_**I often comment on Klarion fics about how there just aren't enough fics about him, so, finally, here is my contribution to this minute niche of the fandom. I really hope you like it!**_

 _ **With thanks to Sroloc Elbisivni for betaing, she/they of the Oxford comma (FTW), and to were-vamp-wolf, who aggressively texted me in the split second I uploaded and then took down this fic because I needed to check Sroloc's pronouns. Love you guys.**_

Klarion was having a great time. No, great wasn't a big enough word. Fantastic, there we go. Klarion was having a _fantastic_ time.

He was skipping almost merrily down the highstreet, Teekl cradled in his arms and windows exploding all around him in a beautiful symphony of chaos. A car alarm screamed at him as he passed, that is until he blew it up with a lazy snap of his fingers. The car exploded in spectacular style, the flames shooting red light across his skin, making him look even more demonic than usual. Alright, so he was bored. So what? Someone would turn up to stop him soon enough, and then the real fun would begin.

Klarion hoped it would be the baby heroes; they were so small and young and _breakable…_ and it did give him such pleasure when their every failed attack put those little gasps of surprise on their faces. Shock! What a funny little emotion.

And yeah, he was destroying Happy Harbour for the sole reason of drawing the baby heroes out. Hello, Lord of Chaos? You should be more shocked if he _didn't_ know where they were hiding. Besides, he could smell Babymagic's pathetic Order-drenched aura from miles away, and often through the dimensions to boot. It made him want to vomit from all the sickly goodness: it was like downing three whole pots of marshmallow fluff in under twenty minutes (yes, he had done that before. It was strawberry flavoured, and there's nothing better than strawberry…and he had no concept of _enough_ anyway). Klarion shivered just at the thought of Order. Gross. Pathetic too. That girl needed a good dose of Chaos magic to set her straight. Oh, and to lose some of those pesky morals too.

Teekl meowed and rolled her blood red eyes at him. _You know this is stupid and pointless Klarion_.

"Ah shuddup you stupid cat. This is just some innocent old boredom relief!" Klarion grinned as a screaming woman scooped up her baby and sprinted out of his path. He sent a few lazy spells after her, but he couldn't be bothered to properly chase her down, so she escaped reasonably unharmed. She might be a bit mentally traumatised by the huge glowing red snake that was following her though. Eh, she was just lucky she didn't live in Gotham; stuff happened in that city that even Klarion was a teeny bit uncomfortable with.

 _Klarion, you're being childish, and you won't be enjoying yourself when Nabu shows up to protect the children._

"Pfft, like I give two stuffs about that old fart." A shop front exploded, glass raining down across the street, neatly slicing through everything except the red shield that sprung up around the pair to protect them. "And 'childish' is such an unpleasant word. I prefer… _chaotic_."

 _Drama Queen._ Teekl teased affectionately.

Klarion's retort was cut off by the sound of projectiles slicing through the air. Teekl with her vastly superior hearing heard them first, and hissed out a warning, allowing Klarion to throw up a shield with time to spare. Huh, so they'd finally arrived, did they get stuck in traffic or something? Do zeta beams have traffic? Do superheroes have to obey traffic laws?

Klarion's inner questions were cut off when the smoke around his shield cleared. Aw, the baby heroes looked mad, how adorable. Arrows and bird-a-rangs littered the ground in front of him, but with a snap of his eerily pale fingers they went up in smoke.

"Fancy meeting you here." Klarion drawled in his most annoying, high-pitched voice, barely keeping from rolling his eyes at them. Seriously, when would they learn that projectiles just didn't work? This was the third or fourth time they'd fought already! They should get some new tricks, _jeez_.

The baby heroes were arranged in formation at the opposite end of the street, with Fish Boy and Babymagic in the front, Flash Boy, the Clone and Greenie either side of them, and Archer Girl and the Birdie out on the flanks. Klarion's lips curled; they even had an _order_ to stand in. They really needed some chaos in their lives, and he was just the person to bring it.

"Surrender now Klarion, and you will remain unharmed." Fish Boy said calmly. God, so predictable.

"Blah blah blah, can you just attack already?" Klarion whined.

"For once," grinned Flash Boy, "I agree with Freak Voodoo."

Archer Girl raised her bow and launched a volley of arrows as the other baby heroes began their rather pathetic attacks. Babymagic's even _tickled_. "Don't agree with the criminal Kid Idiot!"

 _There's more sexual tension between those two than I've had catnaps._ Teekl meowed as Klarion deftly dodged or deflected a barrage of attacks.

"Oh Hades yes. It's almost painful."

"Did…did you just agree with me?" Archer Girl gasped, her bow dropping slightly from shock. Klarion used the opportunity to smash her in the face with a blast of magic, sending her flying through the air and into Greenie; both girls crashed into the concrete with an extremely satisfying _smack_.

"NO NO NO NO NO! I was talking to Teekl!" he screeched, completely offended that the stupid archer might have thought he was even paying attention to her. Well, he was paying attention to fighting them. Shut up.

"Alright, I'm getting fed up of this. Teekl, you're on Fish Boy and the Clone. Sic 'em."

 _Sick 'em, really Klarion?_ Teekl moaned at him, silently reproaching him for yet another cheesy one-liner. Nevertheless, she grew into her were-cat form and set about destroying, or at least severely wounding, Aqualad and Superboy.

"Eh shuddup you stupid cat, or I'll have you put down." Klarion turned to the rest of the team; a groaning Greenie and archer Girl, and a furious-looking Babymagic, Flash Boy and Birdie. Klarion was almost twitching with excitement, contrary to his earlier statement of being bored. He. Was. Ecstatic.

As the Clone went flying past him, Klarion struck, a whirlwind of red magic and black clothing and freakishly pale skin. He dealt with Greenie and Archer Girl first, a giant red fist appearing out of thin air and pounding them even deeper into the concrete, silencing the weak movements of the duo trying to get up. Excellent, now he wouldn't have any annoying mental attacks to deflect… _although_ , the stupid projectile attacks had only been cut in half. As if to emphasize his point, a flurry of explosive bird-a-rangs blasted away his outermost shield, causing him to actually stumble back a step. Okay, that was just rude. Klarion snarled, rolled up his sleeves, and attacked.

(*I*I*I*)

Klarion grinned manically as he observed the carnage around him. Okay, so. Destroyed surroundings: check. Screaming and/or crying and/or cowering civilians: check. Groaning and utterly defeated baby heroes: check, check and check. This was turning out to be a great day.

The battle had actually happened a lot quicker than he would've liked, but with the poor quality of his opposition, Klarion couldn't claim he was surprised. Teekl took care of Fish Boy pretty quickly, nearly turning him into sushi before she got distracted by a roaring half-Kryptonian trying to punch her into next Tuesday. And sure, the only thing that could really hurt the half-Kryptonian was Kryptonite, but he wouldn't be getting up for a while after Klarion dropped an entire 10-storey building on him. Hey, no-one hurts his Teekl and gets away with it.

Flash Boy went down next, tripping over a snaking line of Chaos magic that he was just too fast to see, which wrapped itself around his legs and smashed him repeatedly into the side of a building, leaving an impressive speedster-shaped hole in its wake. Klarion was considering taking the wall-plus-the-Kid-Flash-shaped-hole home and keeping it as a piece of art.

Babymagic went down second to last, which was quite impressive in itself, _maybe_ because Klarion got bored of trying to hit the Bird. Who. Just. Wouldn't. Stop. Dodging.

And okay, yeah, he cheated, taking a quick wander inside Babymagic's head to see what made her tick. And yeah, she viciously kicked him out once she realised what was happening, screaming abuse at him and threatening to tie him up and lecture him for hours about personal privacy, but he had to get something out of what was quickly turning out to be a pretty average fight, didn't he? After that, Klarion used a powerful, brute force wave of magic to shatter his way through all her defences and knock her out. Boom. Just like that.

Now the Birdie, oh by the flames of the netherworld he was a pain in the proverbial ass. Just because Klarion had been messing with Gotham ever since Birdie came onto the scene (those little green hot pants still haunted him), didn't mean the stupid kid should be so good at predicting what he was going to do. And the flipping! It was all flip this way and that way and backwards and forwards and side-to-side etc. etc. It was simply _infuriating_!

Thankfully, Klarion had a plan for that. (Actually it was Teekl's idea. Shut up. They practically counted as the same person anyway.) A reversing spell. Birdie threw his bird-a-rangs, Klarion attached the spell, and bob's your uncle (except he's not. The only uncle Klarion had wasn't even his real uncle, and he definitely wasn't called Bob so…) Birdie's bird-a-rangs reversed their trajectory and started chasing their owner around. Klarion snorted with laughter as Robin jumped in the air and was forced to sprint away from his own weapons, the boy's own throwing skills coming back to bite him in the butt. Literally.

So, the heroes were down, the surroundings were destroyed, the civilians were traumatised. Just the way he liked it. But there was something missing. Maybe he could kidnap the baby heroes. Yes, yes! That was a great idea! He could mess with the kids in the comfort of his own cliché evil lair in his cliché personal hellish dimension, and the League would be distraught at the loss of their precious kiddies too!

Klarion smiled a Joker-worthy smile, and after using his magic to pick up the groaning forms of the babyheroes and having them hover around him, Klarion began the incantation to open a portal to his home. Suddenly, a cool, authoritative, wholly unexpected voice cut through the air.

"Klarion, stop this at once."

And Klarion froze, squeezing Teekl almost painfully tight in his arms, the chaos magic leeching back out of the air in his surprise. Because Klarion recognised that voice…he hadn't heard it in centuries, but by Chaos he recognised it like he'd recognise his own.

 _Oh no._ Teekl breathed _. No way._

This was like a dream come true!

"Uncle Jason!" the Witchboy crowed excitedly, spinning on his heel to face the man in question, the heroes' bodies dropping out of the air as he forgot all about them. Their unconscious bodies landed on the concrete with a muffled thump, but Klarion and Teekl didn't notice as their eyes literally _blazed_ with excited fire.

Uncle Jason, or Jason Blood as he was more widely known, was a tall Caucasian man with brown hair streaked through with a white stripe, intelligent green eyes and a strong jaw line. He was a Justice League associate, an Occult and Dark Magic expert, and had been avoiding Klarion religiously for many, many years. And for good reason.

"Klarion." the man replied in a flat tone, spine straight and posture fearless. Internally, Klarion and Teekl both scoffed. Fearless, hah. No-one was fearless in the face of what they feared most of all, least of all Jason Blood. He just needed some… _persuading_.

"Nice to see you Uncle Jason!" Klarion smirked.

 _Tell him I say hello._

"Teekl says hello as well. But the question is, what brings you here? You've spent long enough avoiding us after all, returning my invitations and hiding from my spells. I could even say you hurt our _feelings_." Klarion's tone was practically dripping with a lethal dose of sarcasm, and Teekl purred sarcastically (yes, she was just that talented) in agreement.

"We all know you don't care about that Klarion." Blood snapped, before visibly calming himself down, "You just lost yourself your favourite opportunity for causing mischief. Leave these courageous young heroes be, and exit this place now."

"And what, exactly, are you going to do to stop me, hmm? Are you going to get angry? Relinquish your control? What would you do to protect them, say, if Teekl got a little peckish and decided the heroes look like a tasty snack? Who else is going to stop us around here?" Klarion gestured over the desolate area, now void of any other life except the three of them and the now-twitching heroes. Birdie was even trying to open his eyes. How cute. "C'mon Uncle Jason," Klarion goaded, "it's not like _Merlin's_ still around to stop us!"

Jason snarled, his eyes turning solid black and his form blurring, before he reigned himself back in, panting heavily. "I won't…fall for that…again."

Klarion rolled his eyes and Teekl meowed in agreement with the sentiment. "Pfft, you're getting boring, I used to only have to _mention_ Merlin," Jason visibly flushed with anger at the name, "and you'd go all growly and rhymey and chaotic. It was great! But now…" Klarion sighed, "I'm going to have to get my hands dirty and do it myself."

Jason's eyes widened in horror. The poor man obviously thought that since he had his demon under control, he would be fine confronting Klarion. Except, Klarion was a Lord of Chaos, it was in his job description to control people's inner demons, figurative or nor. Y'know, if he had a job description. Or an actual job. Whatever.

" _Gone, gone the veil of man,_

 _Come out to play Etrigan_!"

Klarion giggled giddily and twirled around in a circle, barely paying attention to the state of poor old Jason Blood. Teekl however, ever fascinated by the demons of hell (yes, cats have hobbies too), watched with interested eyes. The man's skin began to stretch and pull away from his bones, yellowing like old parchment and falling into deep wrinkles as it went. His eyes turned pure white and were outlined by deep black shadows, his ears spread out gruesomely from the sides of his head and his hair scattered and fell out in clumps. And then, from the body of the man, rose the demon. Etrigan had returned.

 _We might want to get out of the danger zone._

"Pfft." Then Klarion took a look at his 'Uncle', who was writhing and howling silently as his body warped and changed, getting more and more hellish as the seconds passed, his change very nearly complete. All throughout his transformation, the once-man-now-demon's hate-filled eyes had been solely focused on Klarion. "Yeah, okay. I'm not scheduled to get ripped apart until the League arrives to protect the kiddies. And I wouldn't want to miss out on the show!"

With a flash of red light Klarion and Teekl disappeared, only to reappear almost instantly on a rooftop a little way down the street. Klarion sat down cross-legged and Teekl curled up on his lap, two pairs of red eyes watching Etrigan stumble forward a few steps, ending up perfectly in the circle of the baby heroes groaning forms.

 _You do remember Etrigan got himself a conscience and actually likes the heroes, right?_ Teekl asked, meowing scathingly at the mere concept of a conscience.

"Yeah yeah yeah, talk about boring. But I've got a plan to fix that!" Klarion muttered a few guttural words under his breath and waved his hands through the air in a series of curving motions. Etrigan's white eyes turned a dull grey, and one by one the Team regained consciousness.

 _Ah, you've got rid of Etrigan's sight…that always freaked him out. He'll go on a rampage and…oh! The kiddies will try and stop him, and he'll destroy them! That, Klarion, is an excellent plan, even for you._

Klarion smirked smugly. "I knew there was a reason I kept you around! Now shuddup and watch."

All around Etrigan, the young heroes stumbled to their feet, groaning and clutching different parts of their bodies. In the middle of the circle, Etrigan froze, breathing heavily and tracking down their scents, and when the heroes noticed him, they froze too.

All was silent for the space of about two seconds. Then, Superboy and Etrigan roared as one, smashing into each other with enough force to create a sonic boom, blasting the other heroes back and completely ignoring the shouted warnings and pleas of Robin, who was frantically trying to get the attention of both combatants.

Klarion had forgotten that old Birdie Boy would know who Etrigan was. Dammit, that might ruin his plans. Stupid Gotham heroes. Stupid Jason Blood. Stupid Batman.

But when Klarion felt a mindlink booting up he knew he had to intervene. That was just evening the playing field a little too much. Growling to himself, he amplified his voice and shrieked "If you create a mindlink I will rip your infuriating green head from your obnoxious Martian body!"

 _If you swear or lower your voice, you might sound less like a toddler throwing a tantrum_. Teekl mused, much to the disgust of her other half, who snorted but gave no other response.

However, Klarion's command didn't have the desired effect. Sure, it made the heroes start, giving the still-blinded Etrigan a split-second to knock both Flash Boy and the Clone across the street, but it also let the others know that Chaotic Duo were still here, and, more importantly, the Martian still restarted her attempts to set up a mindlink after a moment's pause.

"Fine." Klarion snarled, his face twisting unpleasantly in his rage, "You asked for it. Teekl?"

 _Yes Klarion?_

"Shred her into pieces. I want her head on my front door. No-one ignores _me_ and lives to boast of it afterwards." Klarion enunciated each of his words clearly, and down below the heroes' eyes widened in shock, especially the Birdie's. He of all people knew that when Klarion's threats changed from vague and stylistic to violent, he was really, really pissed. And a pissed off Klarion? You had better hope you're far, far away when the Witchboy loses his temper, even just a little bit.

You might think cats can't smile. But Teekl, as we know, isn't exactly a cat per se, and so in that moment she grinned like…well, like a cat that got the cream. Teekl might be saner than Klarion. She might be more reserved, more sensible, more practical. But she is certainly no less chaotic.

Teekl stretched out her spine, and then launched herself off the rooftop, transforming into her battle-ready form in midair. The Martian shrieked, her concentration wavering as the now fire-breathing cat bore down on her. Archer Girl had to leap to her friend's defence, and suddenly things got a lot more interesting. With the fight divided, the heroes began to lose. Badly.

Fish Boy and the Clone had their hands very, very full with Etrigan, Babymagic was standing at a distance and blasting the demon with ineffectual spells while Flash Boy ducked and dodged and only landed the occasional completely unsuccessful punch before getting knocked on his ass again. Bird Boy was missing, probably hiding somewhere and trying to contact the League (Klarion knew they'd arrive eventually so it didn't really matter to him) and Teekl was obliterating the Archer and the Martian both with her claws and her own special fiery brand of magic.

Klarion was delighted.

Right up until he got his head smashed in by a bo-staff from behind.

Klarion immediately collapsed to one knee, the back of his head bleeding freely from his shattered skull, all the spells he had just cast disappearing from the mortal plane. Teekl howled down below, but was prevented from joining her partner by a renewed and rather vicious attack from all of the heroes, including a now-seeing Etrigan who, upon regaining his sight, had realised that his 'enemies' were really heroes (because who else wears tights to fight monsters?) and that they should be fighting together. Unfortunately for Teekl, the heroes clearly agreed with the demon, and now she was facing off against the entire Babyhero Team minus Robin and Zatanna, the latter of whom had followed the former onto Klarion's rooftop in the ensuing chaos.

Klarion vision was red and his ears were ringing and his skin was burning and oh Chaos it felt like he was back in Limbo Town and he didn't want to feel like that with his broken skull and his fear and his thrice-blasted defencelessness and-

"Zee, can you trap him?" Robin asked hurriedly, face paler than usual but nowhere near the sickly green Zatanna turned when she caught sight of Klarion's mangled head. He couldn't see it but Klarion knew it must be grim, his magic was hunting down at least three bone splinters buried in his brain and his skull was all caved in and the blood was dripping down his neck and if it was just a head injury then _why couldn't he breathe_ -

"cigam sih dna mih dnib!" Zatanna's eyes glowed a blinding yellow and she lifted off the ground slightly, but Klarion just about managed to summon enough raw magic to knock her spell off course. Down the street, the only intact lamppost bent itself in half, and then exploded. Shame.

Babymagic shrugged apologetically. "Sorry Rob, but his magic is too powerful even when he's…uh, incapacitated like that. I think…god I don't want to say this, but I think if you, y'know, do that again it might knock his concentration just a little more and I could trap him."

Robin bit his lip reluctantly and Klarion thought ' _No lethal force for the heroes right?'_ but then Robin raised his bo-staff and braced himself and Klarion drew in a rattling breath and his head pounded and he knew this is it the League will have him they'll kill Teekl at best and send him back to Limbo Town but when them killing your only friend and sending you back to your own personal hell is the best option the worst option has got to be horrific and _it is_ because chaos knows what Nabu would do to extract the secrets of Chaos from him and he couldn't say the League would stop the helmet-headed freak because he's a bad guy isn't he they'll never listen to his pleas and oh Hades he was scared his sight was fracturing and he could hear Teekl roaring outwardly and screaming at him inwardly through their link but everything was fuzzy and the bo-staff was coming down to hit him again and he couldn't even scream and he'd never been so scared since his own mother tried to burn him at the stake and at that his fear built even more but it dredged something else up with it and then…

Something snapped.

The sound cracked across the battlefield and everyone and everything froze at the sound. Robin staggered back, his bo-staff crumbling apart in his hands and a horrified look on his face as he beheld the sight in front of him.

 _K-Klarion?_ Teekl stuttered, sounding lost and scared and terrified that she'd lost him because what else could that have been but the sound of the death of a Lord of Chaos and without him- _What was a world without Klarion?_

But Klarion was not dead, and hearing Teekl's worry, well, if that didn't push him over the edge he didn't know what did.

He stood up, slowly, calmly, and with a terrifying blankness in his blood red eyes. Robin stepped in front of Zatanna, protecting the sorceress with his fragile human body but Klarion couldn't care less about them. Any of them. Not the kids, not Etrigan, not the League, not even the entire damn world.

Yelping in pure, unadulterated glee, Teekl shot up the building, shrinking all the while, and landed in Klarion's arms, nuzzling his face and his neck and everywhere she could reach. Klarion grinned and smothered her with kisses, whispering nonsense in every demonic language he knew with a truly happy smile lighting up his face.

The heroes sighed in relief and went to move, to resume the fight. Only to discover that _they couldn't move_. Klarion and Teekl hugged and worked together to fix Klarion's mangled head and the gashes Teekl had collected by the dozen, and all they could do was watch and wait and panic.

And panic they did. After they just tried to beat the crap out of a supervillain and his cat, the duo now had them completely at their non-existent mercy. They had every reason under the sun to panic right then. All they could do was hope the League was on its way and would reach them in time.

Eventually, after many heart-attack inducing minutes, Klarion and Teekl were all safe and well. The same couldn't be said for the bruised and battered heroes, still frozen in various shocked and/or horror struck poses.

But Klarion didn't start gloating. He looked slowly around at the frozen heroes with what could only be described as a confused expression on his scarily pale face.

"Um…Teekl? What did you _do_?"

 _Me? What did_ you _do?_

"This was _me_?" Klarion's voice, although quiet, shredded through the octaves in his surprise. He looked from a snarling Clone to a wide-eyed Archer Girl to a confused Flash Boy with an open mouth, completely unable to close his jaw. He couldn't even laugh at Etrigan's I-just-got-punched-in-the-face-herpy-derpy expression (though he automatically filed it away to look at later. Well, not really _filed_ per se, Klarion hated filing. More like shoved it in a random pile of memories to accidentally rediscover at some point in the distant future. Whatever, you get the picture).

 _Yup. All you. Everything's…frozen. Looks like the heroes can't move, and um…I don't think anyone else in the entire city can either. Maybe the entire planet. By the Creation Spark Klarion, what happened?_

"I…uh, I…did that on purpose?" They both knew he was lying but let it slip by; they'd work out what had really happened in the comfort of their own cliché evil lair later. (Y'know, if they could be bothered, which they probably couldn't). Then Klarion lowered his voice even further so he definitely wouldn't be overheard. "But really, I'm just glad you're okay. I was worried for a couple of minutes there."

 _I know you were, you big hairless cat. But do_ not _put me under so much stress again, understood? My heart can't deal with you receiving life-threatening injuries…how did that even happen anyway?_

"I got kind of got excited and forgot to keep my shields up. And about not getting injured again? No promises. You know how bad my memory gets when there's violence to pay attention to instead of boring stuff like personal safety. Blah, that sounds like something heroes write on pamphlets." Klarion's features hardened from the extremely rare childish adoration back to the manic stare of a supervillain. "So, as the heroes are freely available for play time, what do you fancy doing?"

 _After what Bird Boy nearly just did, he needs a lesson. Babymagic too, encouraging the bastard. No-one hurts you and gets away with it._

"Fish Boy needs punishing too, electrocuting you like that. Etrigan, well, he's always been a spoilsport. And the Martian, how rude of her, refusing to listen to me." Klarion's eyes gleamed. "Do you have a plan?"

 _Oh yes._ Teekl meowed. _I have a plan._

Klarion cackled as she elaborated, and across the battlefield, the heroes winced. Crap.

They were really screwed now.

(*I*I*I*)

 _ **(AN: Take a break here. Go fetch yourself a drink. Stretch those muscles. Yell at your sibling/flatmate/pet fish for existing. Play your favourite song at full volume. Hold a mini fashion show.**_

 _ **And consider something for me. Consider that Klarion and Teekl are**_ **supervillains** _ **. They're annoyed, they're hurt, they're offended. They're stupendously angry with the heroes. And they've got them completely at their mercy, which, coincidentally, doesn't exist. Imagine what they could do to them, what tortures they could concoct, games they could play. They could probably convince the heroes to rip each other apart, given the right motivation and a handful of spells.**_

 _ **Now read on…)**_

(*I*I*I*)

Pink.

That was how Wally felt.

Not scared. Not pained. Not worried for his friends.

Just…pink.

(*I*I*I*)

Robin was slightly horrified.

He didn't think anyone would remember the green hot pants. Cut him a break, he was only nine at the time for god's sake.

He never thought he'd be getting a repeat.

(*I*I*I*)

Tarred and feathered.

Well, egged and feathered.

Either way, it was seriously humiliating.

A feather tickled Artemis' nose and she couldn't even sneeze.

She was so mad she actually broke through the spell of the century to scowl murderously.

(*I*I*I*)

M'gann and Conner were kissing. But not by choice.

Sure, they loved each other, and they loved kissing too.

But having their lips super-glued together kind of took the fun out of it.

(*I*I*I*)

Kaldur got a lot of fish-related jokes.

He had known before he came to the surface world that as an Atlantian it would come as part of the territory.

He hadn't expected it to go as far as him being put in an actual fish counter though.

It was cold in there.

And that salmon was looking at him funny.

(*I*I*I*)

Even if Zatanna hadn't been frozen by Klarion's magic, she was still stuck.

And silver.

And bandaged like a mummy.

With duct tape. This was going to be really painful to get off later.

But not, she promised herself silently, as painful as her revenge on Klarion was going to be.

Oh yes. Her revenge was going to be _epic_.

She just had to escape first.

(*I*I*I*)

Jason Blood, who was blessedly freed from Etrigan's form but just as frozen as the children, was trying to develop laser vision.

Klarion hovered in front of him with a sharpie, giggling manically and drawing god knows what all over the older man's face.

Jason Blood really wouldn't have minded killing that cat right about now, and laser vision would have been very helpful in accomplishing that.

So what if he was against violence? It would send Klarion back to Limbo Town for a couple of hundred years, and that would be one less magical annoyance for him to deal with.

And Teekl was laughing at him.

 _This wasn't a laughing matter._

Klarion seemed to sense his 'Uncle's' annoyance and smiled even wider, not stopping with his ministrations.

Oh yes, Jason was _so_ going to kill him later.

Or at least ground his 'nephew' for the next millennia or two.

(*I*I*I*)

Klarion and Teekl hovered above the street, surveying their hard work.

 _Hard work_. Teekl rolled her eyes at the sentiment. (Yes, she could roll her eyes. Cats are built to be sassy like that). _The only time you work hard in three millennia and it's to prank some stupid little heroes._ I _wanted to rip them apart._

"Pfft, nah." Klarion smirked in reply, barely stopping himself from bursting out into cackles and pointing hysterically at his latest accomplishment. "This is way more amusing, and I'm fed up of getting blood out of these suits. Besides, now they're gonna be really humiliated. Villains try to hurt them and break them and kill them all the time, and they always bounce back, but they're never going to forget this."

 _You're going to start a prank war Klarion. Don't blame me when they get you back._ Teekl huffed, but she could barely contain her own laughter. So sue her, the heroes looked pretty damn hilarious. She wasn't really able to reprimand Klarion properly right now, but when the time came she certainly wouldn't be holding back on the 'I told you so's'.

"Them? Get _me_ back? I don't know if you've noticed, but _I'm_ the three thousand year old Lord of Chaos, master of pranks around here. I mean, just look at them! I'll be surprised if they can even bear to go out in public after this!" Klarion gave into one of his urges and started to snicker quietly as he conjured a camera out of thin air.

 _Klarion, everyone around here is frozen, there's no-one around to witness their humilia–oh_. Teekl noticed the camera in her partner's hands and her red eyes widened in realisation. _You're going to take pictures and send them to the news stations? That's evil, even for you!_

"And to the Justice League." Klarion practically purred with satisfaction.

 _I hate to break it to you, but you're a sorcerer, not a hacker. There's no way in Chaos you're getting past Batman's firewalls, you know how often Luthor complains about them._

"Luthor, smuthor. Who even needs computers, we survived without them for thousands of years and all of a sudden people _simply_ can't deal without them. Did the Romans have computers? Did the Egyptians? Did they heck. No, I'm going to project a magically captured picture of this momentous occasion into the next League meeting."

Teekl giggled _. I bet Batman chokes on his coffee._

"I bet at least one of them has an aneurysm." Klarion chuckled

 _Oh definitely._ Teekl agreed. _We might actually kill of a couple of heroes just from sheer shock or embarrassment. This might not be such a terrible waste of an opportunity after all._

Klarion quickly decided it wasn't in his own interests to point out he didn't think mortals, Kryptonians, Martians and Chaos only knows what else that inhabited the ranks of the Justice League could feasibly die from shock and/or embarrassment. (What? Teekl was scary! No, it wasn't stupid to be scared of a cat. Have you even met a cat? They are seriously bad-tempered, and that's when they're _not_ literally an evil demon from hell).

Klarion finished taking pictures with the camera, cackling at the looks of pure hatred and disdain in the eyes of the frozen heroes as he floated around them. Teekl thought it wasn't in _her_ own interests to point out that Klarion was using a camera, an item of modern technology which Klarion should have hated, but apparently suddenly didn't. (Teekl, while being Klarion's other half, was justifiably scared of the Witchboy. She still remembered the time he made her take a _bath_ in revenge for one sarky comment or another. Water, yuck. The only thing as bad as Order magic. The mere memory of being drenched in it made the villainous cat shiver).

With a click of his fingers Klarion's newly acquired camera disappeared back into who-even-knows-where (Klarion certainly didn't, and neither did Teekl), and the cat jumped back into the sorcerer's arms.

 _I think we might need to try and undo this spell. Not that it isn't the funniest thing I've seen in a long time, but if the whole world's stuck like this it won't be that fun for long._

"But if it's not then Nabu can faff about and waste his magic fixing all this, and we won't have to."

Both supervillains thought over the other's point.

"We could always go check?" Klarion mused into Teekl's fur, smothering the cat in kisses and still not quite able to believe that they had come out of this on top.

Teekl for once didn't complain about such a disgusting show of sentiment (what? Sentiment is disgusting! Is too! Is too!), instead purring loudly and giving the heroes the cat equivalent of a haha-we-win-you-lose smile.

If they could have, the heroes would've rolled their eyes. Artemis nearly gave herself eye strain attempting to do so. Jason Blood continued to attempt to develop spontaneous laser vision. He failed, but it was a valiant effort.

And then, with a poof of red sparks that shimmered through the air, Klarion and Teekl disappeared.

(*I*I*I*)

Poof. Klarion and Teekl arrived in the middle of Times Square, looked around at the stressed out frozen New Yorkers and the massive billboards, and grinned.

One of the mortals, an extremely stressy man in a business suit with a phone pressed tightly to his ear in a white knuckled grip, actually had the temerity to growl at the duo, as if saying 'Hurry up and fix this so I can get back to work!'.

Klarion clucked disapprovingly and Teekl raked her claws down the man's jacket, utterly shredding the surely super expensive suit with the cat equivalent of a cackle. They disappeared once more in another poof of red magic.

(*I*I*I*)

Poof. Teekl wrinkled her nose. _China. Why is it always China?_

"You know it's because the Great Wall is one of the strongest magical sights on the planet. It draws teleporters like magic draws power hungry idiots. At least there's a slightly lower chance of spontaneous combustion." Klarion drawled in a long suffering tone.

 _I hate China._ Teekl snarled sulkily.

"Yeah yeah I know." Klarion surveyed the frozen tourists and tour guides with a curled lip. Looked like they were frozen too. "We'll go to Egypt next to make it up to you." Teekl purred in satisfaction.

Just before Klarion teleported them away again, he had a very, very evil thought.

And when the two supervillains had left China, well, let's just say a lot of tourists' cameras suddenly had a few surprise pictures on them.

(*I*I*I*)

 _Klarion, as much as I love coming to Egypt, I'm pretty sure we know the whole world is frozen now_. Teekl pointed out hesitantly.

Cairo. Such a… _chaotic_ city. Klarion loved it. And Teekl had never forgotten that the Egyptians had worshipped cats as gods, which was, in her humble opinion, their rightful place. So she loved it too.

"Yeah well…" Klarion trailed off kind of awkwardly.

 _You're just putting off going to see if Nabu is frozen too, aren't you?_ Teekl all but whispered, sounding sympathetic.

"Dammit Teekl, I'm a three thousand year old Lord of Chaos with more friends and enemies than I can count across the centuries and dimensions! I. Should. Not. Be. Scared. Of. That. Old. Geezer!" With each angry word another building on the horizon exploded in a towering inferno of burning red flames.

 _Hey,_ Teekl replied as calmly as she could manage with such strong emotions roaring down their bond _, you just got your head beaten in by the goody two shoes, not-supposed-to-kill-people kiddy heroes. It's fair enough to be a little apprehensive of the guy that tortured you for close to fifty years, getting your head beaten in_ does _tend to bring back bad memories._

"But that was just after I took my title; we're equal in power to Nabu now, scratch that, we're better than him! Stronger than him, faster than him, trickier than him! He's never even got _close_ to catching us in the last three hundred years, and we've been closer than ever to destroying that stupid helmet!"

 _So…_ Teekl prompted.

"You're right, let's get out of this dump." With a newly confident wave of his hand the raging fires in the distance winked out one by one (what, he liked Cairo, even if it was a dump, he didn't _really_ want to burn it down), and with the whoosh of air filling a vacuum in space the duo were gone.

(*I*I*I*)

Klarion leaned over and vomited into the grass on his arrival, his head spinning even more than usual, though it was a crazy mess of contradictions and arguments and spells in six different living languages and about fifteen dead ones at the best of times, so it took a serious amount of dizzy to make him feel ill, let alone actually vomit. Teekl leapt out of his arms in disgust; being vomited on once in her immortal life was once too often as far as she was concerned (yes, it had happened before, and yes, she was very keen to avoid a repeat), but to be fair she was just about resisting spewing fish kibbles everywhere herself.

"Nausea defence spells!" Klarion groaned, clutching his stomach with a face even paler than his usual bone white, even if that did seem impossible. "Now that's just low, even for Nabu."

 _Yeah well, I don't think he appreciated us using Nelson to get into his tower last time. Those spells are designed to work specifically on Chaos magic; if we'd walked through them instead of teleporting through them we'd be incapacitated right now. Though I do agree, there are much cleaner ways to incapacitate us than nausea spells, that_ is _kind of rude._

"Well that's a particularly stupid spell of his considering it looks like it's up to us to save the world right now, and how are we supposed to do that if we're vomiting everywhere?" Klarion pulled a disgusted face. " _Save the world_? Just listen to me. The quicker we get the world back to its chaotic normalcy, the better; I'm starting to sound like a goody two-shoes hero. And we both know what happens to heroes…they get _pranked_. Hardcore Lord of Chaos style."

Teekl ignored Klarion's monologue-ing (yet another of his annoying stereotypical villain traits) in favour of analyzing the Tower of Fate with a critical eye. _Doesn't look like Nabu's coming out to kill us. Maybe he_ is _frozen?_ Teekl scampered back up Klarion's arms and wrapped herself around his neck.

The Witchboy patted her absently. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, you could at least try to sound a little bit more certain."

 _You might as well head up there._

"You mean _we_."

 _Chaos k-hay-os._ Teekl rhymed. _Stop whining and let's get this over with already. If Nabu's not out here by now after we just tripped every magical ward going, he's frozen or off-world in the Watchtower. Either way, there is_ so _much stuff we can steal in there._

"Good point, I knew there was a reason I keep you around." Teekl rolled her eyes as the two of them disappeared and reappeared in Fate's inner sanctum. (Hey, why walk if you can teleport? Everyone knows teleporting is way cooler).

The first thing they saw was the gold cape and the gold helmet of Fate himself. Klarion hissed a word so rude it actually rent a hole in the fabric of the universe, and Teekl's fur stood up all over her back as she leapt off Klarion's back and they prepared to fight.

Fate didn't even twitch.

Slowly, Klarion straightened out of his crouch and took a hesitant step forward. And another. And another. Once he was within punching distance he cautiously reached out a single finger and tapped one long black nail against Fate's helmet.

He jumped back like he had been electrocuted and waved his hand around like it was on fire. "OW! Ah! Ow! What the _Chaos_ was that?"

 _Considering Fate's helmet is pure Order magic, I guess you being Chaos personified won't get along too well with it. Basically, you just got an electric shock. The universe obviously hates you._

"Well now you tell me." Klarion grumbled half-heartedly, but he was far more engaged in circling Fate curiously and attempting to touch the helmet. Every time he was repelled with the mother of all electric shocks and a smoking hand. And every time, he healed his hand with a quick spell and tried again. (Trust me, 'stubborn' doesn't even begin to cover Klarion).

Teekl watched him with the feline equivalent of a raised eyebrow. _Why are you ignoring the universe itself saying 'Don't continue doing that you pigheaded idiot'?_

"Because the universe hates me and by default I don't listen to things that hate me. Duh." Klarion continued to circle his frozen enemy, now trying any and every spell he could think of to pull the helmet off its host, or even just blow the damn thing up. Pfft, so Mr. Justice League Order magician would get killed too, so what? Collateral never bothered Klarion in the slightest. His eyes widened and he was forced to duck as a blunt force spell rebounded and smashed some surely priceless swords on the wall behind him into smithereens. Oopsy. (Eh, who cares? What do you mean Dr Fate would care? If he didn't want stuff breaking he shouldn't leave it lying around! What do you mean he kept in his supposedly impenetrable fortress to keep it away from Klarion and his destruction? Shut up.)

 _Will you listen to_ me _if_ I _say don't continue doing that you pigheaded idiot?_ Teekl sighed. _And those were Akmunrah's own swords you just destroyed. I bet his ghost is shaking his fist at you from the afterlife._

"Yeah well, he was an asshole anyway." Klarion shrugged and with a wave of his hand the smouldering rubble disappeared.

 _You are aware there's no way by the Creation Spark you're gonna get that helmet, right? Because if Fate's magic can't directly split_ us _apart, you aren't going to be able to split Nabu from_ his _host._ Teekl then proceeded to ignore both of the all-powerful magicians in the room (because she knew exactly how stubborn Klarion was when he wanted to be) in favour of prowling all around the bookcases, sniffing and pawing at certain books and sending others up in flames with mewls of _Gross_ and _Nuh uh, Nabu already knows way too much about torture magic, he does not need to read this_ and _What in Chaos does the high and mighty Dr Fate he's doing with that, hmm? Dod-_ gy _._

Klarion, despite his obstinate tendencies, understood that Teekl was very often right. About everything. So, albeit reluctantly, he stopped chucking everything in his magical repertoire at his nemesis, and pulled out a marker pen along with his trademark evil grin instead. When he succeeded in touching the nib of the pen to Dr Fate's golden helmet, his grin widened.

Teekl only noticed what her partner was doing when it was too late to stop him. _Ooh Klarion, look at this, a power crystal…Klarion? Klarion! For Chaos' sake Klarion, you're a one thousand year old Lord of Chaos, why are you drawing a moustache and eyebrows on Fate's helmet?_

"Because I can, that's why." He caught sight of her disapproving look from the corner of his eye and pouted. "Oh c'mon, this is funny."

 _This is childish._

"I'm childish!"

Teekl rolled her eyes. _Well I hadn't noticed._ she purred with all the considerable sarcasm at her feline disposal.

Klarion would've glared at her, but he was having too much fun drawing on the helmet to be disturbed. Behind the helmet gold eyes blazed with frozen hatred, and Klarion actually giggled. "Sarcasm is unbecoming dearest one."

 _So is drawing on people…_ Teekl paused, and then made a disgusted noise. _Klarion, is that a penis? Rub that off right now, that's just crude._

"I'm crude!"

Teekl growled, and then resorted to pulling out the big guns. Her mom voice. _Klarion._

"Fine." he whined petulantly, putting the cap back on the pen with a resentful frown and throwing it haphazardly over his shoulder into the shadowy depths of the room. Teekl took a deep breath, and did her best to suppress her amusement, because, really, Klarion's antics certainly didn't need any encouragement. (And she definitely didn't think he was funny. I mean, just because she had to constantly fight the urge to laugh at him…shut up, that's totally different to laughing _with_ him!)

After having his fun spoilt, Klarion was slightly irritable about getting down to business. "So the old man is frozen too and we have to save the world and this is _so_ boring, why are we even doing this again?"

 _Because we like this world and it's not very chaotic when it's frozen like this._ Teekl reminded him. _Honestly Klarion, your short term memory is diabolical._

"I'll take that as a compliment, though I've still got no idea how to reverse this…" Klarion shrugged, and, seeming to immediately lose interest in the conversation, proceeded to wander over to Fate's desk to sift through the various extremely powerful magical items there. He pocketed some and discarded others at close to light speed. "Lame. Lame. Order-y. Lame. Ooh, my old exploding pocket watch! Lame. Stupid. Hold on, why does Fate have a tiny magical replica of Vegas?"

 _Hold on Klarion, just...don't blow yourself up in the next ten seconds. I'm thinking, and you explodonating won't help with that._

"Explodonating?"

 _It's a mixture of explode and detonate._ Teekl replied absentmindedly. _Right, okay...if your screwed up brain froze the world, maybe your screwed up brain can unfreeze the world?_

"What, like there's a big ON/OFF switch in my brain?" Klarion only meant it semi-sarcastically, because honestly, he'd chucked enough stuff inside his head over the centuries that he wouldn't be overly surprised if there was an entire circus in there, let alone a simple world-freezing switch. Figuratively of course. Even _he_ couldn't fit an entire circus inside his skull. Unless it was a _really tiny_ circus…

Teekl redirected Klarion's thought train by leaping up to wrap around his neck, the perfect model of Vegas still clutched loosely in Klarion's hand where it dangled completely forgotten at his side. "So into the rabbit hole we go?"

 _I hate that book._

"You're just jealous of the Cheshire Cat."

 _Shut up Klarion._

(*I*I*I*)

"Hades, it's weird in here." Klarion gazed around at the (figurative) red sky and the (metaphorical) body-strewn black earth with (allegorical) wide black eyes.

 _Well it's_ your _brain._

"There isn't room for two of us in my cranium and I'm very tempted to shove you out right now if you don't shuddup."

 _Let's just look for this switch shall we?_

"I don't see one anywhere and I refuse to walk around. Plus I'm not sure I can teleport us in here." Klarion screwed up his eyes in concentration but gave up half a second later (he was never one for patience). "Nope."

 _Try imagining one?_

"If I could think up a giant switch to solve all our problems don't you think I would've already? ...oh."

Out of the (metaphorical) hellish red mist floated a (figurative) giant ON/OFF switch. It was just like any other switch really. No embellishments, no crimson flames, no screams of tortured souls or mists of neverending nightmares. It was just a switch. How disappointing.

 _I told you so._

"Oh shuddup you stupid cat." Klarion snapped. "I hate it when you're right."

 _At least you admit that I always am._ Teekl paused, and then wriggled her (figurative) head into Klarion's (metaphorical) shoulder. _Now go and press it._

"Me?!" Klarion's already painfully high pitched voice shot up through another couple of octaves until it reached almost inaudible levels. "Why do I have to do it?"

 _Because I'm a cat Klarion._ Teekl said like it was the most obvious thing in the world (which, y'know, it kinda was). _Cats don't press switches._

"They totally could though."

 _Klarion._

"Teekl."

The two demonic beings held a small glare-off, but as always, Teekl won. (Klarion honestly didn't know why he bothered arguing with Teekl...except that it amused him and annoyed her. Oh yeah, that was why. Even if she always won, which annoyed him). "Fine, fine, I'm going. ...but you're coming too, right?"

 _Of course Klarion. I'm always around to laugh when you blow yourself up._

"So sympathetic." Klarion rolled his eyes and stepped forward, marching over the (metaphorical) bodies strewn everywhere without a single thought of respect for the dead. (Klarion had seen enough death in his long life, he knew it was cheap. And boring. Dead people usually don't create chaos. Plus it's no fun to blow them up. Only the possessed ones scream).

And then, with no second thought or hesitation (because where would Chaos be without buckets full of confidence? Order, that's where) Klarion reached out and slammed the switch down.

His mindscape disappeared immediately, its purpose being anywhere except crammed in the back of Klarion head fulfilled, and both the Chaotic duo opened their eyes.

And immediately wished they hadn't.

Because their plan had _technically_ worked. (They hated technicalities).

They blinked at Dr Fate in syncronisation. Uncomprehending, Dr Fate blinked back. They were _not_ supposed to be in the inner sanctum of Order. They knew this. Nabu knew this.

They were dead. (They were so, _so_ dead).

And then, with a cheeky wave and a feline grin that went a little way to cover how much their expressions read like a series of four letter words, Klarion and Teekl disappeared in a cloud of red sparks. (Damn did they have their dramatic exit down. No, it wasn't cheesy. Shut up).

A small object dropped to the floor as the air rushed in to fill the volume left behind. Fate noticed it, and tried to ignore it (because he had to find out how Klarion and that infernal cat had gotten inside his sanctum right now before the mere thought of it could disturb his perfectly balanced Order), but eventually found that he couldn't. It could be some chaotic device after all (or at least that's what he told himself).

Golden cape billowing after him, Nabu swept across the room and picked up the small object. It turned out to be his scale model of Vegas, the city he was charged with protecting, but attached to it was a strange white note. It read:

 _Dear Geezer,_

 _I broke the world, but you were being even more useless than usual at clearing up my mess so I had to fix it myself. Shame on you._

 _PS. I never took you for a Vegas man but hey, each to their own brand of chaos!_

Dr Fate incinerated the note with a handful of golden light. The only reason he was the protector of Vegas was that he didn't want Klarion getting his claws into the already crazy city. That was the only reason. Honest.

"Watchtower to Doctor Fate, I repeat, Watchtower to Doctor Fate. We believe that there has been a worldwide crisis caused by the machinations of Klarion the Witchboy, Lord of Chaos. We request your presence immediately, over."

Nabu did not sigh. It was his job to keep the world in perfect order after all. (But he wanted to, and under his helmet his eyes twitched as he resisted the urge to look heavenwards for strength). He was Doctor Fate, Lord of Order. If Klarion had caused Chaos in this realm, he needed to tilt the balance back to Order.

And so he swept out, the model of Vegas carefully sat back down on his desk, and teleported himself up among the stars, completely oblivious to the markings Klarion had left all over his helmet.

(*I*I*I*)

Ollie, Hal and Barry were already on the floor crying with laughter when Fate arrived. Klarion had fulfilled his promise of sending an astral projection of the pranked baby heroes and Jason Blood up to the Watchtower, and since a League meeting had been in session when the planet had frozen, the now-mobile heroes had been hit with the admittedly hilarious sight of their protégées.

Aquaman was chuckling behind his hand, and Hawkwoman was almost doubled over with laughter, clutching at her mace like a lifeline. Superman was attempting to fight down a smile, while Martian Manhunter and Wonder Woman were outright smirking at the projection. Even Batman's aura seemed a little less menacing than usual (though with him that wasn't saying much).

But Fate's entrance proved too much for the assembled heroes. The 'Idiot in here' sign scrawled across his brow with an arrow pointing at his face, the devil horns on the top and the upside down pentagrams artistically scattered like stars across the whole helmet, not to mention the rest of the crazy, slanted depictions all over the helmet's surface, simply finished the heroes off.

Ollie, Hal and Barry took one look and burst into a fresh round of hysterical, floor-thumping giggles, alternately pointing at the projection or at Fate himself with equal amusement. Hawkwoman was forced to collapse into her chair with tears of laughter pooling behind her mask, and Aquaman broke into loud guffaws at the sight. Superman, Wonder Woman and Martian Manhunter suddenly couldn't make eye contact with anyone, not even J'onn's shapeshifting allowing him to keep a straight face, and Batman, well...Batman _smirked_.

And that was probably the most terrifying thing Klarion had accomplished in his long time on Earth. Making _the_ Batman smile.

He didn't think that was a good thing.

 _It's definitely not a good thing Klarion._

"Ah shuddup you stupid cat."

 _ **Review? Also, if you liked this, there's some more of Klarion on one of my other stories, We Were All Kids Once. *shameless self promotion is shameless***_

 _ **Also, I don't own any of the above characters, just the ideas. Probably should've mentioned that at the beginning.**_

 _ **Anyway, any thoughts will be gratefully accepted!**_


	2. Bane Metal

_**For the Demonic Cat, because if I didn't finish this at some point she was probably going to rip my eyes out. Have a virtual cookie for your patience**_ **(::)**

 _ **This is in no way related to the first Klarion fic. You have been warned. When it comes to Klarion and Teekl I'm as inconsistent as…Klarion and Teekl I guess.**_

Klarion had a problem. Okay, he had a lot of problems, but one in particular was affecting him right now.

He'd gone crazy. Well, crazier than usual.

Eh, semantics.

Klarion didn't usually skip, in public anyway. He was super serious about...well, nothing actually, but skipping didn't exactly inspire fear into the hearts of mortals. Ooh, fear, fun! But Chaos was even better.

Just thinking about Chaos sent a shower of red sparks showering through his addled brain. Klarion's shredded consciousness decided that had tickled and shrieked with laughter, the ear-splitting sound echoing off the dirty buildings around him.

Teekl was missing. The thought blew into his brain like a piece of floating ash but disintegrated before he could catch ahold of it. Not a second later even the memory of the thought was gone, replaced by another shower of red sparks. The shower quickly built up into a deluge, and then a flood roared forth and exploded from Klarion's left hand in a roiling, screaming wave of pure chaotic magic.

His mind cleared slightly, some of the red fire receding. The dirt, grime and lack of stupidly gawping civilians told him that he was in Gotham (everyone in Gotham had an overdeveloped sense of self-preservation), he was pretty sure he was supposed to be in a meeting with the Light (bah, screw that, those _meetings_ contained way too much order and logic for his taste) and...and...the red magic crept back, eating away at any thought that was even approaching rational until any semblance of what made up Klarion was gone, replaced only with directionless Chaos. Which he liked, but he liked him being him more. Him existing? Existence in general? Oh who even cared, existentialism was so two centuries ago.

Something large slipped silently into the other end of the alley and Klarion turned to face it with a snarl. The small traffic light held up its hands. "It's okay Klarion, we just want to help you."

Klarion snarled again in response, a guttural, inhuman sound, an animal noise that ripped out of his throat and echoed around the alleyway.

A glowing gold figure floated down next to the talking traffic light, burning stars into Klarion's fire-filled red eyes. He winced and let out a pained hiss. Order magic, nasty. The sorceress's powers -for the magic definitely had the dangerous air of a woman- was neither large nor refined enough to pose him an actual threat, but it still hurt, like someone spitting on a fire. It wouldn't put out the flames, but even a small amount of water makes a fire hiss.

The pain of Order, however small, was enough to knock a little sense back into his mind. Not a lot of sense mind you, but Klarion had never had much in the first place. It was just enough sense to recognise that the traffic light and the sorceress were heroes. No, baby heroes, which was even worse, because if he killed them he'd wind up double dead. Which probably wouldn't be a fun thing.

"Alright Klarion, stay calm, your cat brought us to help you."

The golden girl looked at the traffic light expectantly, who just shrugged. "KF's supposed to be bringing it but he's always late as it is, never mind when he's got a demonic cat with personality issues on board. And we _think_ the cat was trying to get us to help, it could've just been constipated for all we actually understood it."

Demonic cat. Something about that rang faintly familiar to Klarion. Was he a cat? He looked down at himself inquisitively. Well, he was pretty sure that cats didn't wear suits, so there was that. Not being a cat was pretty disappointing, but something about that phrase still niggled at him.

The red was encroaching again, sneaking in from all corners of his mind like he wouldn't notice. He did notice, obviously, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. Every spell he tried only added to the twitching mass, until all that remained of his consciousness was a tiny speck in a sea of red.

If there was one thing Klarion hated more than Order, it was being practically irrelevant. And between the tights talking about him and this cat without explaining anything, and this stupid red mass that he was going to kill the second he worked out how, he was feeling pretty damn irrelevant.

As if responding to his anger a howling dragon-shaped storm of red shot out of his left hand like a bullet from a gun, making Klarion jump as much as the heroes. The dragon roared its freedom, red eyes malicious and sharp teeth gleaming as it barrelled down the alleyway towards the two kids. A spurt of golden magic from a shaky spell rose up to meet the beast, but it was quickly devoured and the beast thundered on towards the two wide-eyed figures, ready to swallow them both whole. Klarion wasn't quite sure why his giggle split the air but-

The dragon vanished in a poof of smoke, and a smug looking ginger cat appeared in the middle of the alleyway, padding forward on silent paws with gleaming red eyes almost lighting up the darkness in front of it.

A yellow blur whooshed into view, coalescing into a visibly panicking Kid Flash. "GuysI'mreallysorrybutIlostthecatIthinkitmight've...teleported." Green eyes fixed on the cat and the speedster visibly relaxed in relief. "Oh, there it is. Never mind."

Klarion barely even registered Kid Flash's rambling, too busy staring at the cat in the alleyway.

 _Hello Klarion._

"Hello voice in my head. Can you leave, I'm trying to stare at this cat."

 _I_ _am_ _the cat, Klarion. My name is Teekl, and I'm your familiar._

"Well for a familiar you're not very familiar." Klarion cackled at his own joke, but his laughter tailed off after the cat -Teekl- fixed him with an unimpressed look. He had no idea why, but one look from this Teekl left him feeling chastised and slightly ashamed of himself. A spark of recognition flared, but it only illuminated the fact that the red mass was filling up his brain again, reducing his chances of making a proper connection with every second that passed. He was getting seriously angry with this red stuff.

 _You're feeling confused because some mortal got hold of some Bane metal and clapped it around your right wrist._ Teekl used the word mortal with enough venom that it sounded like a synonym for idiotic bastard. _But because you're a Lord of Chaos, you're far too powerful for it to simply shut down your magic like it's supposed to. Instead, it's turned your magic back on you and into your head._

That probably made sense...maybe. If he squinted. The red mass -no, the Chaos magic was sneaking back again, making Klarion clench his teeth in frustration. For the sake of the Creation Spark, could it just quit it already!

"So Teekl...Teekl, tickle, tickle Teekl, tick-"

Teekl yowled loudly enough that the heroes all winced and covered their ears, but she succeeded in knocking Klarion out of it. He concentrated on not noticing the archer on a nearby rooftop who was pointing a pathetic little arrow at him, or the stupid floaty invisible ship concealing another three heroes above his head, and tried to focus his remaining thoughts. "Bane metal, right. Do you by any chance mean the band that is _burning a hole in my arm?!_ " Klarion held up in right hand and thrust it into a beam of dimp lamplight. Everyone present winced in sympathy, whether they wanted to or not.

His suit up to his elbow was gone, eaten through by something that left the fabric scorched and tattered, and the visible skin this revealed was covered in silvery scars. The closer they looked to the gleaming black band around Klarion's wrist, the more the heroes and the cat felt like vomiting. Bloody red furrows had been scraped into his forearm as he'd reflexively tried to tear the blasted thing off with his fingernails, and as he held up his hand ruby droplets coalesced to dribble down his arm and over patches of grotesquely bubbling flesh. The skin directly either side of the metal band was charred black and blistered, and overall Klarion's arm the appearance of being dragged through a fire which -ropes and stakes and rising flames and chanting villagers and his own mother in the front row smiling happily- wasn't something he really wanted to think about.

 _Yes, that's exactly what I mean Klarion, don't be dense._ Klarion could swear he saw that cat roll her eyes as she cautiously padded towards him and curled around his feet.

He pouted at her lack of sympathy. "But it _hurts_!"

 _So does listening to you whine,_ Teekl snapped. _Stop being such a wuss, we've had far worse._

"I don't think it counts if I don't remember it." Klarion was finding his attempts at repelling the Chaos wave a little less futile while talking to Teekl, and he was desperate to keep the conversation going.

Unfortunately for Klarion, the heroes were getting impatient, and it looked like Teekl was too, though for entirely different reasons. The heroes wanted to avert the danger that an even-more-out-of-control Klarion posed to Gotham, and Teekl wanted her partner in crime back to his usual self. Well, usual was a relative term when dealing with Klarion and his violent moodswings, but that was her Klarion dammit, the articulate, crazy sorcerer with his wicked sense of humour and humongous superiority complex, not this painfully woebegone, whiny little wimp. She wanted her Kitten back, even if her Klarion would dump a water bucket on her head for daring to call him that.

 _Also, if we don't hurry up and do something about that Bane metal, we're both going to die. For real._

"Ooh, I'm going to die. Well that sucks," Klarion pouted only semi-sarcastically.

"If he's just going to die, shouldn't we just leave? I mean you can't say the world wouldn't be better without him in it," Flash Boy whispered to his teammates.

Klarion didn't like whispering when it was about him, because it was rude. Unless he was doing the aforementioned whispering. He was just hypocritical like that.

All three heroes in the alleyway with the sorcerer took an instinctive step back as Klarion turned from having a seemingly one-sided conversation with his cat to smiling at them with a maniac's murderous smile and crazy eyes that burned like coals. "Oh dear, I wonder what happened to 'heroes save everyone'? But you might want to help me despite your concerns, because I'm a Lord of Chaos," Klarion and Teekl narrowed their eyes in malicious synchronisation, "and if I go down, this world is _coming down with me_."

There was a beat of silence.

"Well then," Robin said, pointedly glaring at his best friend, "what can we do to help?"

Klarion shrugged, Teekl taking the opportunity to jump up onto his shoulder and perch there like an overgrown furry parrot. "Don't ask me, I'm-" Klarion hissed as Teekl siphoned off some of the red and converted it into a ball of glowing red yarn, "-pathologically insane. Quit that you stupid cat, I'm trying to be imposing here."

Klarion knew he was screwed. He'd been a front row witness to Morgana Le Fey using Bane metal to force Merlin -the world's most powerful sorcerer in all of history- to commit himself to eternal slumber in order to stop himself and his Order magic from going nuclear. Klarion refused to be that guy; self-sacrifice didn't belong in his dictionary.

 _Well, since we know overloading it with Chaos magic won't work,_ because what do you think Klarion immediately tried when he realised what had been clapped onto his wrist, _you could try combining your Chaos with… Order._

"Well it's not like Fate's gonna…" Klarion realised where's Teekl's attention was focused, and blanched. "You cannot be serious."

 _I'm totally serious. And I can't continue channelling your magic into blowing up monuments around Gotham forever, so make your decision. Quickly._

Klarion sighed in almost immediate defeat. As much as he truly despised Order, dying did sound worse. Marginally. And Teekl was right, he could feel his mental functions deteriorating with every minute that passed and the fiery pain in his arm was starting to spread again; if this was going to happen, it had to happen now. "Babymagic, give me your hand."

Each of the heroes visibly paled, the two boys stepping in front of the sorceress protectively and all the other 'hidden' goody two shoes pointed their weapons square at Teekl's chest. Klarion lazily batted away a mental attack from the Martian and crossed his arms impatiently, rocking back one one leg and tapping his other foot. The heroes' decision was inevitable, the only question was just how long they were going to insist on arguing about it.

"She's not coming anywhere near you," Robin snarled, expression heavy with distrust as he brandished various weapons in the chaotic duo's direction.

Klarion rolled his eyes -young love was _so_ obnoxious. Blatantly ignoring the Bird, Klarion focused his gaze on Babymagic, red eyes meeting cautious blue ones, and raised one questioning eyebrow.

Zatanna frowned in thought. "Okay, but why?

Flash Boy rounded on the sorceress with wide, disbelieving eyes, while Robin kept his fierce gaze fixed squarely on the Witch-Boy.

"What?! You aren't seriously suggesting that you're gonna do anything Freak Voodoo suggests?"

The girl and the immortal continued watching each other carefully, but neither said anything.

The redhead threw up his hands. "C'mon Zee, he's a freaking supervillain with a demonic cat, he's almost definitely got some evil scheme going that requires your magic and a human sacrifice or something."

"Don't flatter me Flash Boy, if my ego gets any bigger you'll get pushed out of this alley and leave poor, defenceless Babymagic undefended against my extreme levels of evilness." Klarion siphoned off enough Chaos energy to create a nuclear bomb, and used it all to stop him rolling his eyes. "Chaos' sake kid, don't be so ridiculous, I'm not enough of a martyr to risk blowing myself up for the sake of some half-baked plan; I'm perfectly capable of organising a kidnapping if I wanted something from Blue Eyes under normal circumstances."

"How long do you...do _we_ have?" Zatanna asked slowly, visibly weighing up saving the world with trusting Klarion even for a split second.

 _About five hours,_ Teekl informed her partner, _but Gotham will be gone in three._

"Half an hour," Klarion lied flawlessly, managing to fool even the Boy Blunder just this once. Hey, a thousand years of lying his way out of tricky situations had given him a lot of practice.

"And why _exactly_ do you need me?"

Klarion almost gouged out his eyes in frustration; who cared if Babymagic was being sensible, _sensible_ was taking far too long! Besides, it was so unbearably lame. The Chaos was still consuming him, and holding it at bay by blowing up public monuments around the United States (Gotham's were long gone by that point) was only going to work for so long before he ran out of monuments. "Because I'm going to get your nasty Order magic," Klarion shuddered, "to chase mine into the Bane metal and then I'm going to turn tail and smash Order and Chaos together in a confined space and mimic the reaction that caused the Big Bang. And if you can't comprehend that, I haven't decided who's skull I'm going to slam through a wall first."

"'Magic' didn't kickstart the universe, science did. Magic is just science we don't understand yet."

Even Robin rolled his eyes at his best friend, while Teekl fought the urge to do something really _magical_. Like...oopsie, blowing up the Flash statue in Central City. Teekl let out the cat equivalent of a giggle at the happy _accident_.

"Kid Flash, if you don't have anything useful to say, shut up. Klarion," Zatanna closed her eyes reluctantly, "is right."

The sorcerer in question just about resisted doing a celebratory dance. Finally, they were getting somewhere.

"But," she said sharply, and there was power in her voice, a self-confidence Klarion had never heard from her before, "if you try anything, if you or your cat so much as twitch in an untoward direction, I'll summon Dr. Fate," both sorcerers winced at the name but the girl powered on, "and we can see just how nicely he deals with you in your weakened state."

"Oh, I like that threat." Klarion grinned and took a step forward, much to the concern of the other heroes. "It was quite a good threat, I'm actually impressed. For a hero, anyway." Teekl coughed in feline agreement. "So, are you going to come over here, or do I have to come and get you." The way he eyed up Robin and Kid Flash told them that he wouldn't go around them so much as through them. Both boy's settled into their respective fighting stances, bird-a-rangs at the ready and goggles being pulled down over green eyes.

"Zee, you don't have to-"

"What, and let the planet blow up? I'm a hero, Robin, and I will make my own decisions." The young woman glared at her teammates in turn until they both stepped aside, albeit reluctantly, and she walked between them with all the poise and grace of a queen.

It seemed as though Klarion was making Zatanna come to him because he thought himself superior. In reality, it was because if he stepped forward he was going to collapse to his knees, and he refused to show such a sign of weakness in front of his enemies. It was bad enough that he needed the Order Brat's help, there was no way in hell or Roanoke he was going to kneel in front of her.

"So," Zatanna murmured, quietly enough that it seemed as though she was only speaking to Klarion, "what do we do now?"

"You take my hand, and Teekl and I do the rest."

"Haha, funny." Klarion just looked at Zatanna until she realised he wasn't joking. "Really?"

"Does it seem as though I'm in a position to be joking?"

Zatanna took a deep breath, her heart thudding audibly in her chest, making feline ears twitch. Teekl rolled her eyes. Mortals, so nervous all the time. What was the point - what have nerves ever done for anyone? "I'm serious about calling Fate if you try anything."

"And I'm seriously over being threatened already." Klarion gave a perfect replication of Teekl's eyeroll. "Could you hurry up already?"

With one last glance over her shoulder at her boyfriend -ew, gross- Zatanna placed her tanned hand over Klarion's freakishly pale one, looking for all the world as though she thought it would bite her. Which it wouldn't. Probably.

 _Finally,_ Teekl purred, a trace of nervousness in her tone that only Klarion would ever notice, however much she tried to disguise it, _let's get this over with._

Red eyes met blue ones, and Klarion, for some reason unbeknownst to him, decided to give the girl a chance of survival. "Don't forget to breathe."

"Don't forget to-?!"

The world exploded with light before she could even finish her sentence.

Rude.

(*I*I*I*)

 _Wow, headrush._

"You're telling me."

Klarion and Teekl were faintly smoking, whisps of grey peeling off their forms. Zatanna was smoking quite violently, her whole form almost completely obscured by grey smoke. The other groaning heroes scattered in and around the alley were slightly on fire, flames flickering here and there on their garishly coloured outfits. Downtown Gotham was definitely on fire, the whole horizon roaring with flames (though for downtown Gotham that wasn't an unusual occurrence).

Klarion rolled his joints, inhumanely loud cracks reverberating around the confined space. "Oh, that feels _so_ much better."

Teekl sniffed at the shattered, smoldering remnants of the Bane metal cuff with utter disgust radiating off her. _I'm sending this right back where it belongs_. She hissed vehemently, and a howling red portal opened up in the pavement below the pieces, sucking in the deceptively harmless looking metal shards before disappearing with a 'pop'.

The Chaotic duo examined their surroundings, and a hint of a frown crossed Klarion's face as he beheld the unconscious sorceress who had helped him. Even with that, his voice held no real concern when he asked, "Is she breathing?"

Teekl nosed along Babymagic's comatose form. _I think so, but I'm no expert in this mortal stuff._

"And I am?" Klarion retorted.

"What the hell _did you do to her_?!" The yell was so loud, so angry and so unexpected that Teekl -with her sensitive feline hearing- jumped three feet in the air, all the hair on her back standing on end. Klarion sighed, and crossed his arms. Bird Boy was on his feet, domino mask trained on his girlfriend with a combination of fury and horror marring his features. Ugh, someone should seriously needed to make a law against young love. The Gotham hero hadn't even noticed that he was on fire due to his complete focus on the sorceress (though again, for Robin being on fire wasn't an unusual occurrence).

"She's fine."

 _Probably._

"Maybe." Klarion shrugged, his manner blasé. "She's just magically exhausted; all the energy's been sucked out of her -literally. Give her a few days, she'll be just as useful as she always was." The Lord of Chaos smirked. "So not very."

"A few _days_?" Robin was aghast, but his expression quickly hardened into a bat-glare. "Fix her, now," he demanded, "she's not the only one who can call Fate down on your ass."

"Can't." Klarion began to examine his nails, already bored with the conversation. "Wouldn't if I could."

The hero drew himself up to his full height (which wasn't all that impressive), radiating righteous indignation almost as well as Superman. "Zatanna just saved your life, asshole, the very least you can do is help her recover!"

 _We do kind of owe her according to the Ancient Laws,_ Teekl reluctantly added. _And even_ _we_ _can't argue with the Ancient Laws._

"Well Chaos just doesn't work like that," Klarion snapped, "it can only break things, not put them back together."

Teekl's red eyes gleamed with the beginnings of a perfect idea. _What about giving her something she desperately wants? That should fulfill the Ancient debt._ The cat pressed an image of a spell and it's consequences into her partner's head. _We still have that trick we were saving for a rainy day._

Klarion's face lit up, his unhealthy delight causing the flames flickering all around them to suddenly grow brighter. "That's perfect...oh, and _Nabu_...Teekl, that's the best idea you've had all century!"

Teekl purred in self-satisfaction. _Why thank you. Although I do maintain that my best idea was the never-empty tuna can._

"And I still maintain…" Klarion caught sight of Robin's hand twitching towards his comm and realised that, as much as he wanted to, there wasn't enough time to have this argument for the millionth time. "Nevermind, we'll continue that when we get home. The sorcerer clicked his fingers and a small piece of yellowed parchment appeared in midair and fluttered down to land on Zatanna's outstretched fingers. An uncharacteristically human expression flickered in Klarion's eyes as he stared down the Boy wonder and muttered, "Make sure she gets that."

By the time Robin had dashed forward to stop the piece of parchment fluttering away in the nighttime breeze, Klarion and his creepy cat had vanished.

The hero stood alone in the alleyway full of his unconscious friends, the Gotham skyline smoking merrily away in the middle distance with only one thought on his mind.

What the _hell_ was he supposed to tell Batman?

(*I*I*I*)

When Zatanna awoke from her week-long coma, she didn't even complain about the strictly enforced bedrest -she was so busy poring over that piece of parchment that she barely noticed. What the hell was it? Her first problem had been deciphering Klarion's frankly appalling handwriting, but even after that she had no idea what it was. A spell most probably, but a spell for what? Immortality? Increasing her powers? A new, improved way to order ice cream? All three options were equally viable for all Zatanna knew, and she knew to never, ever try a spell unless she was 100% sure what it did, how it worked and how to execute it without blowing up.

She scoured spellbooks, hunted through the JLA archives, interrogated Jason Blood. She tried the forbidden books in her dad's library, asked anyone and everyone versed in the mystic arts, hell, she even got desperate enough to try the Internet. Her search got to the stage where Batman and Black Canary tried to confiscate the parchment 'for her own good', and she nearly bit their heads offin reply. This was important -the way her magic thrummed through her veins when she so much as thought about the spell's wording told her that much- but Zatanna just couldn't figure out the how or the why.

It was two months before she caved. Two months of concerned looks and 'understanding' conversations and that stupid spell mocking her day and night. Two months until she called in the big guns. Two months until she summoned Dr. Fate.

The sight of the Lord of Order possessing her father's body as he floated through the door made Zatanna sick to her stomach, as it always did no matter the situation. Nabu spoke to her shortly, curtly and with a razor sharp edge of cool condescension that was a painful polar opposite to the warm, kind and understanding Giovanni Zatara that brought her up. Dr. Fate seemed far less interested in trying to help Zatanna figure out the spell than lecturing her about helping Klarion (which made her doubly sure that it had been the right thing to do). It was only as Nabu was leaving, that pretentious gold cape billowing out behind him, that the pieces clicked. Blue eyes sparkled with hope as, for the first time, Zatanna dared to speak the spell aloud.

"Asanama ti bitsala fora mi!"

She hadn't been able to make head or tail of the nonsense, gibberish spell before that moment, but as her father's blue eyes sparked with an emotion other than righteous fury under that gold helmet for the first time in nearly two years, she knew that she had guessed correctly.

"Zatanna?" Her father's voice -the voice that had sung her to sleep in lilting Italian for so many years- echoed strangely inside that gold helmet, but it was _his_ voice, and that was all she cared about.

"Dad! Oh Dad, I've missed you so much!" Zatanna cried in emotional Italian, tears pricking at the corners of blue eyes as she flung herself across the room and wrapped her arms around him like a vice.

Dr Fate's outfit faded from the mortal realm and was replaced by Giovanni's familiar suit, the all-powerful Lord of Order's connection to his mortal host severed by a few clever words from a novice in the most secret of languages.

And as Nabu's helmet fell to the floor from fingers that were trembling in relief, and Zatanna buried her face in her dad's chest, she sent every silent blessing she had ever heard to Klarion and Teekl.

(*I*I*I*)

"Ew. That was revoltingly sentimental."

 _Agreed,_ Teekl sniffed. _We could've done that ourselves with half the emotion, half the time and twice the dramatic flair._

In a personal pocket dimension about as far away from the earthly realm as was mystically possible, two immortal Chaos sorcerers watched the heartwarming reunion of father and daughter with disdainful eyes.

 _Ah well, at least Babymagic is grateful._

"With the old geezer momentarily out of the picture, I really don't care what Blue Eyes thinks. We've _won_."

Teekl let her eyes narrow in warning. _Don't start getting cocky, Klarion. You know what happened last time you got cocky._

Klarion waved a hand dismissively, already plotting all the Chaos he could create in his nemesis' absence. "Ah, shuddup you stupid cat."

 _I'm_ _so_ _going to enjoy telling you 'I told you so'._

 _ **Review?**_


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